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We are a class of year 7 and 8 students who attend a semi-rural school on the outskirts of Tauranga in NZ. We are excited to share our experiences and learning at Tauriko School. Check back regularly to see what we have been up to. We have a load of fun in our class and would love to share it with you!

Monday, 7 September 2015

Writing Race



Today we watched this clip of Usain Bolt getting run down by a camera man on a segway. We came up with vocabulary related to the event and then had 20 minutes to write about it from the perspective of one of the people involved. Our goal was to include some inner monologue in our writing.
Here is a great example of writing from the session:


CAMERA GUY FAIL

I was cruising down the path on the side of the famous 200 metre sprint track. I was capturing every moment of the reigning winner, swaggering down beside the massive grandstand filled with cheering enthusiastic fans trying to get his attention by yelling and hollering for him, ‘Usain Bolt, Usain Bolt’. I was proud; I was videoing my hero. But I couldn’t get a good shot of emotion. I decided to overtake to get what I needed to make my video a success. So I did it. I started to overtake in my segway and thats when it all went wrong. My left wheel caught the side of the camera rail that runs alongside the athletes and my hand accidently revved the throttle as I fought for control and sent me full boost into the back of Usain Bolt, knocking both of us onto the ground in a pile of man and machine. I was sore, I was embarrassed and I was confused as I staggered up off the floor with the help of a bystander, I felt so bad.


Ethan H

What did Ethan do well? How could he improve on this?

5 comments:

  1. I like your adjectives. They were very descriptive.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I could shorten sentences a bit to make it easier to read aloud.
    I could change the I felt so bad to something more punchy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I liked how you started with a descriptive words in your writing.
    You could improve on making your sentence short.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like how you explained when the camera man fell off and I think you can improve on shorting your sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  5. CAMERA GUY FAIL - improved version

    I was cruising down the path on the side of the famous 200 metre sprint track. I was capturing every moment of the reigning winner as he swaggered down beside the massive grandstand, filled with cheering enthusiastic fans trying to get his attention, yelling and hollering for him, ‘Usain Bolt, Usain Bolt’. I was proud; I was videoing my hero. But I couldn’t get a good shot of emotion. I decided to overtake to get what I needed to make my video a success. So I did it. I started to overtake in my segway and that’s when it all went wrong. My left wheel caught the side of the camera rail that runs alongside the athletes and my hand accidentally revved the throttle as I fought for control - I was catapulted full boost into the back of Usain Bolt, knocking both of us onto the ground in a pile of man and machine. I was sore, I was embarrassed and I was confused as I staggered up off the track with the help of a bystander. My hands were sweating and I was almost in tears as I glanced anxiously over my shoulder at the top-class athlete and Olympian, obviously in a lot of pain, clutching his leg. I was horrified.

    ReplyDelete